There is the US and there is Jen.

Last night one of my roommates mentioned that Costa Rica was playing the US in soccer. I raced to the television to see if I could find a channel that was showing the game. As I was flipping she said, “I think we beat Honduras and so that’s why we’re playing Costa Rica.” I looked at her for a second and thought, What does she mean by “we”? Then I realized that she had been referring to the US.

I know I’ve been living in SF for about 2.5 years now and went to school in Indiana for 4 years, but I still grew up in Guatemala. You know, I think it’s harder being an Adult TCK then it is to be a TCK. When you’re a TCK you know you’re a TCK and the people around you (generally) know you’re a TCK. However, when you’re an adult people seem to forget that you might not be the American that they are. For me, there is no “we” when it comes to the US. There is the US and there is Jen, a US citizen. I feel no enmity towards the US, rather it’s a non-emotion. A business arrangement. Simply a physical attachment to a location and a passport with the emblem of the US. I won’t cheer for the US when it comes to sports. I won’t sing the US anthem and I won’t put my hand over my heart while some one else sings it. And I’d rather not own anything that has the American flag on it. But I will live here, and I’ll enjoy living here. I’ll be concerned about the economics, the school system and paying taxes. I’ll respect the US, but there simply is no patriotic pride.

And I find it hard when people around me assume that it’s there. Honestly, it sort of hurts when some knows I’ve grown up in Guate, but they address me as an American. It feels a little like they’re saying to me, “You don’t live in Guatematla and you’re not Guatemalan by birth. So move on with your life.” I know they’re not really saying that, but that’s what it feels like a little. But after all, I’m a cultural chameleon and a hidden immigrant. They wouldn’t know any better.

I will admit that at first, my lack of US patriotism came out of a desire to be more Guatemalan. In order to be a good Chapina I felt that I had to push away the US. To love Guate better I had to love the US less. This is typical among TCKs. Now it doesn’t come from anger but from a desire to honor my other passport country. I will not put my hand over my heart when I see the US flag being raised, but I will cheerfully belt out the only verse I can ever remember of the National Anthem. I think it’s because I can’t be more Guatemalan that I do that. I will always look like a gringa, but inside…I will never forget mi patria.

Recently I’ve been reading Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds. Some of it doesn’t apply to me but a lot of it really resonates with me. Today I was struck by the following statement, “The difficulty…is that in trying to proclaim what they consider their true identity, they ultimately form an ‘anti-identity…’” (P.97) As I mentioned above, I have found that to be true for myself, as well as several other TCKs that I know.

I mentioned earlier that I was a “cultural chameleon.” This is the idea that I look like the dominate cultural, but I have to figure out how I fit into it. “While appearing to be one of the crowd, inside they are still the cautious observer – always checking to see how they are doing. In addistion, others may notice how the TCK’s behaviour changes in various circumstances and begin to wonder…” (p. 93) I have always known for myself that upon entering a new group I will hang back and try and figure out how I fit in. What I didn’t know was that it was a TCK thing. About 2 years ago, Jen Dods actually told me how she was amazed at how quiet I had been when I was with a group of her friends. She seemed to find it interesting that I had seemed somewhat withdrawn. But that was just me trying to observe how they others interacted and behaved. I think this is also why I have a dread of going into group activities when I don’t know anyone else. I find it exhausting to, yet again, have to find my place in society.

There are so many other things the book has brought up that I’d like to touch on, but I guess I’ll save those for later and not overwhelm you. One last thing that must be said: Even though I’m struggling with figuring out where I fit in in the Guate vs. US identity crisis (and I’m sure I’ll always struggle with it), I loved being a TCK. I feel truly honored to have grown up in Guatemala and I’m glad that my parents are American. I am proud that I have two passports (albeit, one actually needs to be renewed). I love my past and I don’t mind the current/future struggle. It’s who I am.